Navigating through the end of a relationship using the 3 phase rule

At this point, I imagine you've shut yourself out from the world, attempting to heal the last of your broken heart. One day you were falling asleep on FaceTime, planning your entire future together; the next you're strangers again, stuck with the longing memory of what once was. Instead of finding answers at the bottom of a tub of Haagen Dazs strawberry cheesecake ice cream (the best flavour!!), here's how to really get over a break up...

Phase 1: Mourning

People will always tell you that it will be okay. Of course they're trying to be supportive, but hearing those 4 little words some how makes everything worse. In fact, speaking to so many people and listening to their break up stories, has taught me that 'it will be okay' is unanimously the worst thing you could hear after your hearts just been aggressively stomped on. Although it comes from a place of love, it also floats this cloud of expectation: the need to “get over it” and “move on” (especially when you’re young), but you’ll never really heal that way. You devoted a lot of time, and a lot of yourself into the relationship, so don’t just get over it. Mourn what once was, even if it was just a small fling, giving yourself the space and time to digest what happened. Be sad, do some stalking, ranting and crying or anything else you need to do to let out your emotions, before you attempt to build yourself back up.

As the most vulnerable stage, you may feel the urge to reach out for some sort of “closure”. Not only will that slow down the process, but we all know what "closure" really means.

Phase 2: Restoration

You cannot dwell on this situation and the feeling of heartache. Once you’ve allowed yourself the time to be sad, you must take active steps to restore some of that lost happiness. A good idea is to surround yourself with people who love and care about you—your best friends, your family. The energy of their love alone will heal something in you, and their intentions to uplift you are a reminder that there is still so much love and care for you outside of your situation. That’s exactly what you need right now.

You may also find comfort in being alone, and that’s okay too. Take yourself to lunch, go shopping, or do anything you genuinely enjoy that will make you feel better and help you focus on something else for a while. Some might see this as a distraction, but it's not. This is acceptance and not allowing yourself to wallow, but intentionally doing something positive instead. True distractions are a form of escaping your reality, which 1) doesn’t last, and 2) once the distraction fades, all those feelings come rushing back—often stronger than before.

Phase 3: Reflection and Reinvention

This stage can sometimes be seen as the final move on. Not moving on in the sense of getting into a new relationship becasue that would be way too soon, but moving on in terms of yourself and your life. Hopefully you’ve realised a lot about yourself from the end of this relationship that you otherwise wouldn't have considered. Are you more forgiving? More loyal? Kind? Maybe you were quick to snap at little things but they've taught you patience. If you were maybe mistreated, don’t be tempted to do the same to others. Identify that it was wrong and eradicate those traits. Don’t let this be your reason for not wanting moving on, instead have a positive outlook- now you know the signs and you know what to avoid in the future. Regardless of what, if you learnt anything from the relationship, continue building on that, because it will help you grow. Learn from the situation and bridge the gap between old you, new you and the you to come and don’t feel bad for changing! You wouldn

Moving on after a relationship unfortunately isn't as easy as "forgive and forget". You'll get there one day, but take the necessary steps to build yourself back to who you were, or hopefully, an even better version of you! Whilst it seems hard now, keep taking your time and do whatever YOU need. Trust in you!

Esele xox

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